Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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