We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize