Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
