Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
