3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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