I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
