I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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