I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
