Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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