i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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