U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's rum buckets o'clock
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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