Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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