i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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