The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
