My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
