after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
