i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
