Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
