Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
