Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
