when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
