well you can't waste a boner
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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