I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
