He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
