I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
