Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
