if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
