Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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