"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
