he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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