I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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