she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
