It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
