I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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