Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
