Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
