I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
