She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
