Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
