oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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