I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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