From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
