for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
