what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
