I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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