I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
