were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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