i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
