I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
