I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
